Last week I talked about doubting a choice that you’ve made—specifically, how I doubted our decision to adopt a dog. (She’s passed out cuddled up next to me as I write this—she and I have both definitely relaxed in the two weeks since I wrote that!)
This week I want to talk about when the doubts you’re having are about you.
The last big attack of self-doubt I had came after I went out and bought myself some fancy new bras. For my male brethren reading this, bras are a crucial piece of your wardrobe—with a good one, you look great in everything else. I had gone out a couple years earlier and gotten fitted at Nordstrom for Wacoal bras. These are adult bras, $60+ each, not something you randomly grab off the rack at TJ Maxx, if you know what I’m sayin’. Oprah swears by them, if that gives you any indication of how legit they are!
After a year and a half of wearing these fancy bras, they were spent. So I took myself down to the mall to get a few new ones. Oh, I was so proud of myself! I was being so proactive. So grown up. I was going to feel so sexy in these new bras!
Except, I didn’t. I bought a different style, one that had a totally different shape. Once I got them home and tried them on with my actual clothes, they peeked out of all the many deep V-necks and scoop necks I own.
My daughter had been asking for a dog since kindergarten (she’s in third grade now). My husband and I would always say, when you’re 8 and your brother is 6, we’ll get a dog. So this has been a long time coming.
Once they both had their birthdays this past spring, we said we would wait until after we got back from our annual trip to Block Island. Once that was behind us, we started looking for real.
I’m not sure if you’ve adopted a pet lately, but the Internet has made it a lot like online dating. There’s lots of hours spent perusing search results, emailing with foster moms, setting up dates to meet. It’s no small investment of time.
She had been home sick from school that day, and her brother had been home sick from school the previous three days. As someone who relies on regular periods of solitude as a sanity preservation strategy (i.e., total introvert), I was running a serious alone-time deficit.
It was a nice night. The kids were feeling better and were punchy and wrestling on the couch. So I shooed them outside. Or, I tried to shoo them outside. Probably because I was feeling like a really needed 10 minutes of separation from them, and because I wasn’t willing to be the one who removed myself, they were like, “Mommy! We don’t want to go outside! It’s dark! There’s nothing to do!”
I was having none of it. So I brought out the big guns. “Go outside for 10 minutes and then you can eat one of the cookies Lillian made today.”
Teddy grudgingly went outside, but Lillian refused. She crossed her arms over her chest and gave me the stink eye. I asked/told her a couple more times to outside. She stood her ground. So I lowered the boom: I said no cookie for you.
This is the final installment in six-part series on how to get the heck out of your own way. At last. For real. And, I wish I could say’ for good,’ but honestly, you’ll have to go through some variation of these six steps again and again, but that’s actually a beautiful thing, because it means that you keep getting opportunities to toss some old baggage and shake things up.
If you’ve stuck with me these past six weeks, first of all, thank you! I hope you’ve uncovered some nuggets that are putting some new kind of fuel in your fire.
Last week I talked about the power of doing things differently. This week, I’m talking about the exact opposite—I’m talking about NOT doing things.
Specifically, I’m talking about surrendering. Letting go of the outcome. Suspending judgment. And accessing your trust muscles.
If you’re squirming in your seat a little as you think about doing the things I just listed, I get it. Most of the women I work with are great at the doing and the figuring out. You’re pretty smart, after all, and you can get crap-tons of things done. But at some point, you’ve got to make some space for the unexpected to swoop in.
I know what you’re probably thinking: How do you do that, exactly?
Here are a couple of ways
- Don’t get attached to specifics.
You’ve got to change your focus from the specific, tangible details (like, particular job title, or specific neighborhood if you’re house-hunting) to the broader, intangible qualities (like, what kind of contribution you’ll make or how what you’re working toward will make you feel).
When you can broaden your tunnel vision, you’ll be much more likely to run across an unexpected opportunity that fulfills your basic requirements better than you could have even hoped.
- Be patient.
FACT: There is no such thing as ‘too late.’ (Click to Tweet!)
Byron Katie writes that there are only three kinds of business in the universe—yours, mine, and God’s. Timing is God’s business. So let Life, the universe, the man upstairs, whatever you call the force greater than you, work out when something will go down. In the meantime, you keep yourself focused on doing the things you know bring you closer to what you want.
I KNOW how hard it is to be patient, believe me! My coach even told me, “If I had to tell you just one thing you needed to work on that would help you the most, it’s patience.” (So if you struggle with this one, reach out and set up a sample coaching session—the first coaching call is always on me.)
- Accept what you’ve been resisting.
This is the most powerful thing you can do.
Life will send you things over and over so that you finally heal whatever’s in your way, whether it’s a belief or a fear. When you resist those situations, you essentially prevent yourself from breakthrough.
When you’re getting some circumstance that you don’t like, particularly the ones that keep presenting themselves over and over, stop resisting it, blaming it, or wanting to hide from it, and accept it. Be open to it. Show up for it. Own it.
You will always, always find a huge gift within the experiences you resist the most. Joseph Campbell, who wrote The Power of Myth said, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.” Let this sentiment inspire you to face up to whatever it is you’d rather run from. There is so much healing and growth available for you if you do.
If resistance is something you feel like you’re butting your head up against, I highly recommend the book I Don’t Want To, I Don’t Feel Like It, by Cheri Huber, who is a long-time Zen teacher who writes, I swear, at a fifth grade reading level, which is perfect, because that resistance in coming from a place that’s about as evolved as your average fifth grader.
So here’s an exercise to make all this ‘thinky’ stuff more real:
Take a blank piece of paper and draw a line right down the center. On the left at the top of the paper, write “What I’ll take care of” and on the right, write “What life will take care of”. Then make your lists.
If you want a new job, for example, the things you can take care of include things like polishing up your resume, continuing to take good care of the job you have so that you are putting good energy in to the work area of your life that will naturally overflow into your new work reality, reaching out to friends and other contacts and setting up time for you to share what you’re looking for and ask how you could support them.
And what you write in the “What life will take care of” column are things like, connecting me with the right people at the right time, sending inspiration just when I need it, working out the details of the job that is the next right step for me.
This is a nice visible way for you to see that not everything is on your plate. It frees you up and helps you stay focused on what’s possible instead of reasons why what you want won’t work or isn’t cool.
If you’ve got a comment, question, insight, or cool story to share about anything I’ve covered in this “Get Out of Your Own Way” series, I would love to hear it! Leave a comment below.
Get Out of Your Own Way Tool #5: Give Yourself a Different Experience (Also, How I Finally Lost Those Last 10 Pounds)
This is part five in six-part series on how to bust through any roadblocks you may have been unknowingly placing in your own path. Because we all do this! It’s not that you’re lame, or dumb. It’s that you’re human, and success is often just as scary—if not scarier—than failure.
Rubber, it’s time to meet the road.
Ultimately, any time you want to get a new result, you’ve got to give yourself a different experience.
That means you’ve got to do things you don’t normally do.
Which is not easy. You’ve gotten quite used to the way you’ve always done things. Even if it that way isn’t exactly producing comfortable results, it’s familiar. And your mind is great at equating familiarity with comfort.
For the past month, I’ve been talking about practical tools you can use to get out of your own way so that getting what you want becomes both easier and more successful – a nice combination to have, no?
Up to this point, the things I’ve talked about – de-cluttering your psychic closets, seeing where you stop yourself, and stopping with the trying so hard – have been about taking a clear-eyed look at some of the thoughts and habits you have that aren’t serving you. It’s such an important part of the process of liberating yourself from old ways of being that aren’t working for you anymore!
It’s also not that fun—right?
I mean, I am HUGE proponent of raising your awareness of the unique magical creature that is you—how you think, what you believe, how you react to different situations. It’s the first step in change.
But sometimes, raising your awareness makes you see all the things you’ve been settling for that aren’t so great. And that doesn’t feel especially good. (That unsettled feeling will quickly turn to relief, I promise, if you don’t try to make excuses for them or blame them on someone else.)
But today, we get to talk about what’s RIGHT about you. Hooray!
“Mommy, I need to show you something.”
I asked her to wait a minute while I finished talked to Teddy. She said she couldn’t. Her face was pained. “PUH-LEEZE!!!!” she said.
So I asked Teddy to give us a minute (he didn’t want to, but he did) and Lil led me to the kitchen to show me something she clearly felt horrible about—her head was bowed and she looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole.
What she showed me was her Silly Putty, which was permanently adhered to a cloth napkin. She felt horrible that she’d ruined the napkin, and she was bummed that her beloved Silly Putty was now not usable. She didn’t want anyone else to know, including her brother and especially her Dad, whom she was afraid was going to give her a loud lecture.
The terrified part made her presence known many times.
Every time I booked a speaking gig, I got sick. Sometimes it was just an upset stomach the day of. Once I completely lost my voice.
Maybe you’ve noticed something similar… say, every time you get close to making something new and exciting happen, your kid or another family member has a crisis.
Maybe something in your life breaks.
Maybe you even have a car accident! (I had one of those.)
When I surveyed women about what they wanted help with the most, two things rose straight to the top of the pile—balancing all the many aspects of your life, and getting out of your own way. So I’m running a series of posts on both, starting with getting out of your own way.
I get why this is such a popular topic—putting myself in a little box that I couldn’t seem to break out of is something that I have experienced in my own life in a few different ways, and it comes up with my clients frequently too.
We all have these hidden beliefs that we don’t realize are behind so many of the parts of our lives where we feel stuck.
For example, I had a client who grew up in a poor neighborhood. Where most of her neighbors were dealing with addiction and poverty, she had a dedicated mom who kept the house spotless and three meals on the table every day. She grew up feeling guilty for feeling any kind of sadness or dissatisfaction, because she knew—and she had it drilled in to her—that she had it so much better than nearly all of the neighbors. Fast forward a few decades, and she’s still got that fear of doing “too” well and not feeling like she’s entitled to feel the way she feels. It makes perfect sense, right? Who wouldn’t potentially feel that way, given a similar upbringing?
When was the last time you felt churned up and raw about something that happened? Something you wished you could simply “let go”?
Maybe it was…
• a comment someone made that you can’t stop replaying in your head.
• a time of transitions and unknowns.
• a conversation that took a wrong turn and left a pit in your stomach.
There are certain instances that take up space in your thoughts and your heart and cast a shadow over everything. No matter how much you try to distract yourself, or how many times you tell yourself to ‘let it go,’ the unsettled feeling stays.
I had an experience this winter when I was trying to schedule a booksigning at a bookstore I know and love. The event coordinator was downright rude, and I got majorly irritated with her and the situation—the details are trivial now, but I was perturbed. My agitated emotional state colored a good three days (that’s a photo I took of myself during that time up top).